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CONFUSED BY RESPONSE
We met after about two weeks of email correspondences. At that first meeting, we talked about what we looked for in our future life partners. Since then, we have met two more times. Now our communication has only been through SMS conversations, which do not allow me to get to know her better. She mentioned that we are just acquaintances and I should not think of her. I am confused. Is she keen on this relationship? Should I email her and state that my intention is to find a life partner, call her to clarify and sever the relationship if she is not interested, or start looking for someone else who is more suitable?
Dr Love :These days, technology is so advanced that we rely on it constantly and conveniently for communication. However, technology cannot replace face-to-face meetings totally.
The two face-to-face meetings you had served the purpose of assessing the other party for both of you. Hard as it is to accept, you must face up to reality that she, for whatever reasons, is not interested in you. She has given you a very clear signal when she told you that you are just an acquaintance and you should not think of her.
It is meaningless to respond with your first two options as it seems that your relationship with this girl is at the initial acquaintance stage. If you are looking for a life partner, then yes, look for a suitable person and stop your SMSes or emails to this girl.
CAN WE BE FRIENDS AGAIN?
I broke up with my boyfriend a few months back. He decided that we should be good friends instead because he still enjoys my company. We continued to go out together. Initially, I hid my emotions very well. Subsequently, I felt uncomfortable because I did not know how to treat him as a platonic friend. I wanted a reconciliation, but he refused and started to ignore me. I kept calling him; finally, he told me that he doesn't even want our friendship. I have tried to give him up but I can't. Would it be appropriate if I call him and ask to be friends again? We have not spoken to each other for more than a month.
Dr Love :Breaking up is never easy to cope with. Find a positive way to cope with the loss. It seems that your former boyfriend is not interested in continuing the relationship. Treat this month as a "time-out" for you to come to terms with the situation. It may not be easy but why focus on a single tree and lose sight of the whole forest? In the meantime, make plans to meet up with your friends and pursue your hobbies. The less time you spend wallowing in self-pity and hoping for a reconciliation, the faster you will move on.
AM I A FAILURE?
I think I am a failure when it comes to relationships. I had only one girlfriend but the short-term relationship ended when she went back to her ex-boyfriend. When I ask other girls out for a date, I almost always meet with rejection. Why am I unable to meet someone who loves me? Maybe it's because I am ugly. I have contemplated going for plastic surgery. Whenever I see couples holding hands, I always feel a sense of envy and inferiority.
Dr Love :You are not alone when it comes to being rejected when asking girls out for a date. It is more common than you think it is. Don't be disheartened. Try to change your mindset to a more positive one, such as -- it is the girl's loss that she rejects me because she loses the opportunity to discover what a wonderful guy I am.
Physical appearance is not everything. Identify your strengths; work on building your self-esteem and confidence. When you accept yourself for who you are and continue to develop into a better person, you will exude confidence and attract the people around you.
Don't be stressed over finding a girlfriend. Maybe you are trying too hard. Pick up a hobby for opportunities to meet people of similar interests. Just enjoy getting to know another person for who she is. A romantic relationship can start from a friendship, and might blossom when you least expect it.
WILL THIS RELATIONSHIP HOLD?
My boyfriend has had problems with his job since we met. Things took a turn for the worse with the economic crisis. We hardly spend time together, meeting only once a month. He says he is not in the mood and does not wish to let work affect our relationship. We meet up less, and when we do, it's for sex. I've told him off and he says he will change. I've yet to see any improvement. We've been dating for 9 months. I've asked him if he's true to me and he says he cares for me and will cherish me. Will this relationship hold?
Dr Love :At the way your relationship is going,
there isn’t much going for you. It almost seems that your boyfriend is using
you only for sex, since that’s the only thing you do when you meet up.
There needs to be a two-way street in a relationship;
a couple should support and encourage each other. It’s unrealistic to
completely separate work and love life.
As a couple, it does seem odd
that you only meet him once a month. Are there other matters he is not telling
you? You need to ask yourself what you want in a relationship and convey these
expectations to him. If his behaviour does not improve, or he cannot be
available to you, you need to ask yourself if this is a relationship you want.
If not, you need the courage to get on with life and look for someone else who
is worthy of your love.
WHAT DO MEN LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER?
I am a 41-year-old lady who has just started to look
for a partner. What do men look for in a partner? Is qualification, status, or
income level more important than good moral values in today’s search for a life
partner?
Dr Love :There is no one answer to your question.
What is important for one may not necessary be true for another — what we look
for in a partner is “personal” to us, although there may be some universal
need. For example, all of us want to love and be loved.
Hence, it is more meaningful to ask yourself — what do
you look for in a partner? Write this down on a piece of paper, splitting it
into two categories. One category would consist of all the “must-have”
attributes; for example, religion, ethnic background, honesty, integrity,
income level, caring personality, etc. The other category would consist of the
“nice-to-have” attributes.
When looking for a partner, the
“must-have” list is important and consists of attributes that we will not
compromise. We would be lucky if our partner possesses the “nice-to-have”
attributes. Otherwise, these are attributes we can live without — such as the
expectation that our partner is a good cook. While we must examine our own
expectations and assess if they are realistic, in a successful relationship or
marriage, it is not just about finding the “right” partner, but also being the
“right partner”.
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
My friends tell me that I have unrealistic
expectations for finding a partner. I am only asking for someone whom I can
click with and is decent looking. I’ve tried explaining this to them, but they
think I should lower my expectations. I feel very demoralised by what they’ve
said. How can I better explain the relation between self esteem and partner
expectations?
Dr Love :
From what you have written, it seems that your criteria for a decent looking
partner with whom you can click with, is not all that unrealistic or too high
an expectation.
In fact, physical attraction plays a critical role in
dating. We are naturally attracted to someone who is “decent looking”. This can
be the first step towards getting to know the person better. However, it is not
the only criterion — youth will fade with time. You need to examine what other
qualities are important to you.
Please see my take on the “must-have” and
“nice-to-have” attributes in the earlier question.
IS MARRIAGE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
I am 29 and single. I had a failed relationship seven
years ago and subsequently two other relationships. I have not been able to break free
from the baggage of my first relationship; I’ve always compared my first
boyfriend with other guys. Another reason why I am single is my family;
I love my parents very much and I need to live with them to take care of them.
I am in a dilemma. As much as I want to set up my own family,
I cannot get over the past. Most importantly, I want to take care of my parents.
Should I not harbour the thought of marriage?
Dr Love :
It seems that you have made an assumption that getting married and being a filial
daughter are mutually exclusive. In reality, many married people are also filial children.
You need to convey to your potential partner that looking after your parents
is important to you, and you should seek his understanding and cooperation.
This would be your “must-have” criteria of your potential partner.
You seem to think that
the only way to take care of your parents is to live with them. Have you
discussed this with your parents? Ask for their point of view and what they
expect of you. Be careful not to let “fear” or your own “unrealistic / rigid”
understanding of caring for your parents be an obstacle to getting married.
It is good
that you are aware that you are comparing other guys to your first boyfriend.
Sometimes, there may be a tendency to put our ex on a “pedestal” and attribute
qualities that may not necessary exist in reality. Self-awareness is important.
Since you’ve already realised this may not be fair to other guys, make a conscious
effort to stop this behaviour. Let go of your first relationship, and treat each guy
as “unique” and “put your heart into it”. If you do, you may find someone who is
compatible with you and share your values.
NOT OVER HIM
My relationship with my ex-boyfriend only lasted six
months. We still keep in touch after our break up. Two years have since passed
but I still cannot get over him. Should I get him out of my mind or come clean
about my feelings? I fear that he will avoid me after he knows of my true feelings.
How do I know if he still has feelings for me?
Dr Love :
First of all, it is perfectly normal for anyone to think about and miss our past
relationships — whether it is to grieve our loss or even hope that it could maybe
work out. It is important, however, to be aware of the reasons why you broke up.
Depending on the reasons and situation, sometimes, we just have to “grit our
teeth” and get over and on with our life. In this case, it is unclear why both of
you broke up in the first place. In some cases, the reasons may not be too serious,
and couples do get back together after a period of “cooling down”.
A successful relationship
is not just based on feelings, although it plays a huge part. You need to
assess what it is that you like about him and whether he has qualities that
will make him a good boyfriend and potential husband material.
In your situation, it almost
seems like you are back at square one — the initial dating stage. If you really
like him and since both of you have been keeping in touch, you could suggest
going out to do something that both of you like — whether it is a hobby or the
movies etc. If he rejects your suggestion, that will tell you maybe he is not
interested in you as a girlfriend.
However,
if he accepts your suggestion, this is an opportunity for you to assess his
attitude and feelings towards you.
CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
I am currently pursuing a course, so I’m very busy.
My boyfriend of six years has been supportive, but he gets angry when I go out
with my family. He says I should study at home. I agree with him. However, if I do
so, my family will accuse me of having double standards — I make time for my
boyfriend but not for my family. Things have gotten to the state where I
have to lie to him whenever I want to go out with my family, so he won’t be angry.
I’m caught between pleasing him and my family.
Dr Love :
This is a matter of time management, mutual understanding and communication.
You are lucky to have a boyfriend who is concerned about you and your studies.
However, it is important to balance your study and your social / family life.
Communicate to your boyfriend and family members that you wish to spend time with
them whenever you can afford to do so. You should seek your boyfriend’s
understanding that it is equally important for you to spend time with your family
and it will not affect your studies.
I LIKE MY GOOD FRIEND
I have special feelings towards a good friend. I am
afraid that he might avoid me if he knows of it. I think I am not the one
he is looking for as he has not indicated any interest in me, even though
we have known each other for over a year. I believe that no matter how shy
a guy is, he will take the initiative if he likes a girl. Should I risk our
friendship and tell him the truth?
Dr Love :
The things that we believe are “truths” may only be our “assumptions” in actual
fact. For example, how sure are you that your friend has no interest in you?
Has he ever told you or hinted to you, or are these just your assumptions?
Your belief that guys will indicate their interest to a girl, no matter how shy
they are, may just be your assumption. For all you know, your friend might feel
“something” towards you but is just too shy to make a move. If you want something
out of this relationship, you need to be proactive, regardless of your gender. Sometimes
we have to take a little risk and some courage to speak our mind and heart.
The worst that could happen is for him to clarify that he does not fancy you as a
girlfriend. You can then move on. Otherwise, if he is just a shy guy who
is not proactive, it would be a wasted opportunity for the relationship to blossom.
IS HE TOYING WITH MY FEELINGS?
A new colleague openly expressed his feelings for me.
Under his persistence, I developed feelings for him. However, he has a
girlfriend. I know it is not right to feel for him but I did not reject him
when he held my hand. One day, he showed me an album which he made for his
girlfriend and my heart sank. I felt stupid and angry with myself for losing
my rationale over him. I do not understand his intention of saying those
loving words, holding my hand and showing me an album of him with his girlfriend.
It is difficult to get over it, as I have to face him when I’m in the office.
Dr Love :
Do not get involved with this jerk. This guy is manipulating you and you
have a choice as to whether you want to remain “miserable” or free yourself
from this situation. You deserve someone who is upright and honest. Leave this
relationship before you get sucked in and are stuck with it. Talk to a friend or
confidante and get their support. Spend time with other friends. From what
you have described, you know that you need to leave this relationship. So pluck up
your courage and tell this guy to leave you alone, because he doesn’t deserve you.
More importantly, you deserve better.
PUSHED TO THE LIMIT
I am 26 and I’ve been with my fiancé, who is 28,
for more than 2 years. We are getting married next year. I wish to marry him
but I cannot tolerate his temper and petty character. For instance, he will
make wild guesses over what I say and the gestures I make. In his mind, my
laughter is sarcastic, a change in tone is being defensive and a casual
remark means I’m criticising him. Sharing knowledge with him means that I find
him stupid and ignorant. As a result, I “filter” what I tell him so that I
do not provoke him. I am tired of this and I feel I am losing my own personality.
I cannot talk freely, react freely and laugh freely.
Our communication in this relationship is deteriorating.
He has admitted to his mistakes and said he would change.
But he doesn’t. How should I resolve this?
Dr Love :It must be a strain to have to justify
your actions and be mindful of your behaviour and words all the time.
What is a relationship if one cannot feel free to be oneself?
You need to assess if
it’s a communication issue, or is it a character issue. If it is the latter,
it would be more difficult to tackle. You need to seriously consider if you
are able to accept your partner’s “petty character” and live with it.
You and your partner may also wish to seek some counselling to help resolve
these issues.
If
the issues are because of differences in communication patterns, I suggest
that both of you take up some communication courses that will help you acquire
a common “language” to speak and understand each other. You may want to start
by attending a marriage preparation workshop. Both of you need to resolve these
critical and foundational issues before you move on to marriage.
WILL YOU TALK TO ME?
I face difficulty in communicating with females.
I notice that women generally do not feel comfortable talking to me, even
when I try to initiate conversations. They are usually aloof, regardless of
what I talk about. I’m rather quiet by nature. How may I improve on my social skills?
Dr Love :Take up some courses relating to effective
interpersonal interaction, social etiquette or grooming. Such courses will help
boost your confidence and help you present yourself better to others.
Learn new hobbies
or enrol in classes that you are interested in, such as wine-tasting, sports or
dancing, to widen your circle of friends and expand your interests. Over time,
you will have more things to talk about. You will become more confident and
confidence will make you more attractive to the opposite gender.
WHAT'S WITH ME?
I enjoy the attention of guys. However, when I sense
that guys want to know me better, I hide into my shell. I’m afraid of responding
to them. Because of this, I have lost countless opportunities to be someone’s girlfriend.
Can you tell me what my problem is and how I can overcome it?
Dr Love :It is difficult to give advice when you
have not revealed much on why you “retreat”. Ask yourself, why are you
“afraid of responding” to guys who want to know you better?
What is holding you back?
There
are always “risks” involved with knowing more about another person and opening
ourselves to the other party. These risks may expose you to hurt but it may also
bring you great joy and happiness. It depends on how far you want to go to
pursue what you want — be it just a friendship or a potential marriage. All the best!
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